Before kids, I never really thought too much about what the dynamic would be between myself and my partner. I have always been a self employed photographer who worked from home so I just assumed I’d be able to juggle that beside motherhood. Oh boy how naïve of me!
I am so lucky to be in a position where I have been able to stay at home with my babies and not go back to an office the moment they hit 6 months (like my mum had to) or a year (the common age these days). Even in my moments of despair after cleaning the same room for the 100th time and it’s not even midday or after tolerating my toddlers tantrum after serving her apparently offensive cucumber for lunch, I do remind myself that I am lucky to be in this position.
But on the flip side I fantasise about having a career, a purpose beyond raising babies. I have always tried to juggle my photography with this new lifestyle but it’s always proved more difficult than I had anticipated.
Working from home sometimes means people don’t respect that you need a bit of quiet time to work. So when I’m trying to edit images or market my company, I’m also watching my crawling baby try to eat every toy she finds on the floor. It’s a headache.
And after cooking, cleaning, tidying (to no avail) and parenting two babies (with sleepless nights inbetween) I have hardly any energy to fuel my tired mind. Suddenly I can’t remember how to spell the simplest of words and find myself feeling dizzy with exhaustion at the end of the day. I’ve never been so close to fainting, motherhood has really revealed to me what true exhaustion is.
But the most frustrating thing I’ve had to figure out is when do I get a break? Do I never get a break? Does anyone respect that stay at home mums do need a break?
I am literally with my babies 24.7 throughout the day and night, breastfeeding, never really sleeping and always on the brink of a breakdown. I don’t mean bugger off on a girls holiday for a weekend. I mean when do I get to sleep for more than 5 hours a night? When do I get to focus on what I’d like to do in the day?
‘I’ve been at work I need a break,'
'I’ve been at work I need a lay in’
are a completely acceptable things to say and understandable. But when a stay at home mum repeats the same statements, we are met with objections.
Motherhood requires so so so much patience, empathy, energy and physical work. There’s no praise or pay at the end of the month but more than often just criticism and lack of understanding.
There is only so much a partner can do to help once they are home from work. But that’s the other issue… should they help with their kids or are they entitled to an old fashioned rest? Luckily for me James has been a modern man and a hands on dad who saves me at the end of the day when I’m reaching the end of my tether. But even though it is our relationship, our family unit, our rules, our home - it hasn’t stopped outsiders negative opinions chipping away at my tired soul.
‘I need to do more’ is a thought that plagues me when I’m so tired I feel sick. Why in this day and age am I questioning if James is happy with the way the house looks when he comes home from work? Why am I apologising for the mess his children have made because they’re playing with their toys in the lounge? Most of the time he doesn’t care at all and that’s the only thing that matters. We are a team who work with each other but I still let outsiders make me feel like I’m doing it wrong.
Like anyone, I think it’s a lovely thing to have a some what tidy home but that is also some what impossible when you prioritise your children's needs and building a business over keeping the house in pristine condition.
It’s so easy to revert to the 1950s when you’re in the position of one parent raising the kids and the other being the breadwinner. But that sexist barrier takes so much away from a mother and fathers relationship with their children. If the father is never hands on, they lose out on that caregiving bond with their babies and if the mother is always forced to be the caregiver, she is lost in a shroud of exhaustion never able to truly appreciate those precious moments she has with her babies.
Stay at home mums are underrated because although it doesn’t look like much from the outside, behind closed doors we are doing 10k steps a day without even leaving the home. So let’s not inadvertently compare stay at home mums to 50s housewives. Women deserve more than just worrying about how the house looks when their partner gets home at the end of the day. We live in a time of equal status. I dream of being able act on my ambition and exercise my creativity because that is what my soul needs to do to thrive in this world. I am so grateful and love being a full time mother but I am more than just a housewife.
The show home can wait until I can afford a house keeper.
