The Under Rated Stay at Home Mum

Before kids, I never really thought too much about what the dynamic would be between myself and my partner. I have always been a self employed photographer who worked from home so I just assumed I’d be able to juggle that beside motherhood. Oh boy how naïve of me!

I am so lucky to be in a position where I have been able to stay at home with my babies and not go back to an office the moment they hit 6 months (like my mum had to) or a year (the common age these days). Even in my moments of despair after cleaning the same room for the 100th time and it’s not even midday or after tolerating my toddlers tantrum after serving her apparently offensive cucumber for lunch, I do remind myself that I am lucky to be in this position. 

But on the flip side I fantasise about having a career, a purpose beyond raising babies. I have always tried to juggle my photography with this new lifestyle but it’s always proved more difficult than I had anticipated.

Working from home sometimes means people don’t respect that you need a bit of quiet time to work. So when I’m trying to edit images or market my company, I’m also watching my crawling baby try to eat every toy she finds on the floor. It’s a headache. 

And after cooking, cleaning, tidying (to no avail) and parenting two babies (with sleepless nights inbetween) I have hardly any energy to fuel my tired mind. Suddenly I can’t remember how to spell the simplest of words and find myself feeling dizzy with exhaustion at the end of the day. I’ve never been so close to fainting, motherhood has really revealed to me what true exhaustion is. 

But the most frustrating thing I’ve had to figure out is when do I get a break? Do I never get a break? Does anyone respect that stay at home mums do need a break?

I am literally with my babies 24.7 throughout the day and night, breastfeeding, never really sleeping and always on the brink of a breakdown. I don’t mean bugger off on a girls holiday for a weekend. I mean when do I get to sleep for more than 5 hours a night? When do I get to focus on what I’d like to do in the day? 

‘I’ve been at work I need a break,'

'I’ve been at work I need a lay in’ 

are a completely acceptable things to say and understandable. But when a stay at home mum repeats the same statements, we are met with objections. 

Motherhood requires so so so much patience, empathy, energy and physical work. There’s no praise or pay at the end of the month but more than often just criticism and lack of understanding.

There is only so much a partner can do to help once they are home from work. But that’s the other issue… should they help with their kids or are they entitled to an old fashioned rest? Luckily for me James has been a modern man and a hands on dad who saves me at the end of the day when I’m reaching the end of my tether. But even though it is our relationship, our family unit, our rules, our home - it hasn’t stopped outsiders negative opinions chipping away at my tired soul. 

 ‘I need to do more’ is a thought that plagues me when I’m so tired I feel sick.  Why in this day and age am I questioning if James is happy with the way the house looks when he comes home from work? Why am I apologising for the mess his children have made because they’re playing with their toys in the lounge? Most of the time he doesn’t care at all and that’s the only thing that matters. We are a team who work with each other but I still let outsiders make me feel like I’m doing it wrong.

Like anyone, I think it’s a lovely thing to have a some what tidy home but that is also some what impossible when you prioritise your children's needs and building a business over keeping the house in pristine condition.

It’s so easy to revert to the 1950s when you’re in the position of one parent raising the kids and the other being the breadwinner. But that sexist barrier takes so much away from a mother and fathers relationship with their children. If the father is never hands on, they lose out on that caregiving bond with their babies and if the mother is always forced to be the caregiver, she is lost in a shroud of exhaustion never able to truly appreciate those precious moments she has with her babies.

Stay at home mums are underrated because although it doesn’t look like much from the outside, behind closed doors we are doing 10k steps a day without even leaving the home. So let’s not inadvertently  compare stay at home mums to 50s housewives. Women deserve more than just worrying about how the house looks when their partner gets home at the end of the day. We live in a time of equal status. I dream of being able act on my ambition and exercise my creativity because that is what my soul needs to do to thrive in this world. I am so grateful and love being a full time mother but I am more than just a housewife. 

The show home can wait until I can afford a house keeper.

A Baby's Routine

 As a second time mum, this time around I feel a lot more laid back. I look back at raising my first and the worries that plagued my every day decisions. Am I doing this right? What is everyone else doing? What is the advice?  This time around I realise that none of that really matters as long as you're always caring for your baby and being safe. Do not over think the little things.

One topic I see posted a lot in new mum groups is 'What's your baby's routine? When do they sleep? How long do they sleep for? How many naps?' 

Health visitors drill into you that routine is everything and it is after a certain point. But when they're babies, does it really matter if they're napping at the same time every day and in their own space (cot, moses basket etc). From my experience it doesn't.

My first baby was a needy little thing, the only way she napped was on me no matter how often we tried to put her down for a nap. So I accepted that this was her, this was her nature, being alone was her fear and I understood that because as a child I hated sleeping alone too and I still remember that feeling. So she napped on me whenever she wanted to and as she got older she either napped in her pushchair or in our bed as I lie next to her until she closed her eyes. She went to bed when we went to bed around 10pm and I remember feeling guilty that she was going to bed so late when other babies were in bed by 7pm. But in truth she was sleeping on me from around that time and then put into our bed when we went to bed (fed to sleep if she woke up). Up until she was about 21 months our routine was very flexible. Especially the first year when they are constantly napping and waking and napping and waking. I didn't time her naps or count them. But then I started to notice a pattern develop. 

As she got older she slept in the morning and then in the afternoon around the same time. Her body had naturally developed a routine. So I went with that. As she got older and grew in to a toddler we started to put her to bed at 7.30 in her own bed as she was more capable of understanding the process and comfortable being a little bit more independent. She was 21 months when we began a bed time routine.

With my second I ignore all suggestions of a routine. She is bathed every 2 days and washed on the days in between. She naps whenever she naturally falls to sleep and she stays with me until I go to bed. Bottle, Bath, Bed didn't work for us until my first was a toddler so I will continue to follow my babies lead just as I did with my first.

Everyone parents differently and every child is different. Not every child is needy and not every child suits going to bed alone. Follow your own mothers instinct despite clinical advice coming from a disconnected society. Go back to the basics, feel that primal instinct within you. Mothers having been raising little humans for thousands of years. We know what is best for our babies so trust yourself and try not to compare yourself to others.