The Under Rated Stay at Home Mum

Before kids, I never really thought too much about what the dynamic would be between myself and my partner. I have always been a self employed photographer who worked from home so I just assumed I’d be able to juggle that beside motherhood. Oh boy how naïve of me!

I am so lucky to be in a position where I have been able to stay at home with my babies and not go back to an office the moment they hit 6 months (like my mum had to) or a year (the common age these days). Even in my moments of despair after cleaning the same room for the 100th time and it’s not even midday or after tolerating my toddlers tantrum after serving her apparently offensive cucumber for lunch, I do remind myself that I am lucky to be in this position. 

But on the flip side I fantasise about having a career, a purpose beyond raising babies. I have always tried to juggle my photography with this new lifestyle but it’s always proved more difficult than I had anticipated.

Working from home sometimes means people don’t respect that you need a bit of quiet time to work. So when I’m trying to edit images or market my company, I’m also watching my crawling baby try to eat every toy she finds on the floor. It’s a headache. 

And after cooking, cleaning, tidying (to no avail) and parenting two babies (with sleepless nights inbetween) I have hardly any energy to fuel my tired mind. Suddenly I can’t remember how to spell the simplest of words and find myself feeling dizzy with exhaustion at the end of the day. I’ve never been so close to fainting, motherhood has really revealed to me what true exhaustion is. 

But the most frustrating thing I’ve had to figure out is when do I get a break? Do I never get a break? Does anyone respect that stay at home mums do need a break?

I am literally with my babies 24.7 throughout the day and night, breastfeeding, never really sleeping and always on the brink of a breakdown. I don’t mean bugger off on a girls holiday for a weekend. I mean when do I get to sleep for more than 5 hours a night? When do I get to focus on what I’d like to do in the day? 

‘I’ve been at work I need a break,'

'I’ve been at work I need a lay in’ 

are a completely acceptable things to say and understandable. But when a stay at home mum repeats the same statements, we are met with objections. 

Motherhood requires so so so much patience, empathy, energy and physical work. There’s no praise or pay at the end of the month but more than often just criticism and lack of understanding.

There is only so much a partner can do to help once they are home from work. But that’s the other issue… should they help with their kids or are they entitled to an old fashioned rest? Luckily for me James has been a modern man and a hands on dad who saves me at the end of the day when I’m reaching the end of my tether. But even though it is our relationship, our family unit, our rules, our home - it hasn’t stopped outsiders negative opinions chipping away at my tired soul. 

 ‘I need to do more’ is a thought that plagues me when I’m so tired I feel sick.  Why in this day and age am I questioning if James is happy with the way the house looks when he comes home from work? Why am I apologising for the mess his children have made because they’re playing with their toys in the lounge? Most of the time he doesn’t care at all and that’s the only thing that matters. We are a team who work with each other but I still let outsiders make me feel like I’m doing it wrong.

Like anyone, I think it’s a lovely thing to have a some what tidy home but that is also some what impossible when you prioritise your children's needs and building a business over keeping the house in pristine condition.

It’s so easy to revert to the 1950s when you’re in the position of one parent raising the kids and the other being the breadwinner. But that sexist barrier takes so much away from a mother and fathers relationship with their children. If the father is never hands on, they lose out on that caregiving bond with their babies and if the mother is always forced to be the caregiver, she is lost in a shroud of exhaustion never able to truly appreciate those precious moments she has with her babies.

Stay at home mums are underrated because although it doesn’t look like much from the outside, behind closed doors we are doing 10k steps a day without even leaving the home. So let’s not inadvertently  compare stay at home mums to 50s housewives. Women deserve more than just worrying about how the house looks when their partner gets home at the end of the day. We live in a time of equal status. I dream of being able act on my ambition and exercise my creativity because that is what my soul needs to do to thrive in this world. I am so grateful and love being a full time mother but I am more than just a housewife. 

The show home can wait until I can afford a house keeper.

A Baby's Routine

 As a second time mum, this time around I feel a lot more laid back. I look back at raising my first and the worries that plagued my every day decisions. Am I doing this right? What is everyone else doing? What is the advice?  This time around I realise that none of that really matters as long as you're always caring for your baby and being safe. Do not over think the little things.

One topic I see posted a lot in new mum groups is 'What's your baby's routine? When do they sleep? How long do they sleep for? How many naps?' 

Health visitors drill into you that routine is everything and it is after a certain point. But when they're babies, does it really matter if they're napping at the same time every day and in their own space (cot, moses basket etc). From my experience it doesn't.

My first baby was a needy little thing, the only way she napped was on me no matter how often we tried to put her down for a nap. So I accepted that this was her, this was her nature, being alone was her fear and I understood that because as a child I hated sleeping alone too and I still remember that feeling. So she napped on me whenever she wanted to and as she got older she either napped in her pushchair or in our bed as I lie next to her until she closed her eyes. She went to bed when we went to bed around 10pm and I remember feeling guilty that she was going to bed so late when other babies were in bed by 7pm. But in truth she was sleeping on me from around that time and then put into our bed when we went to bed (fed to sleep if she woke up). Up until she was about 21 months our routine was very flexible. Especially the first year when they are constantly napping and waking and napping and waking. I didn't time her naps or count them. But then I started to notice a pattern develop. 

As she got older she slept in the morning and then in the afternoon around the same time. Her body had naturally developed a routine. So I went with that. As she got older and grew in to a toddler we started to put her to bed at 7.30 in her own bed as she was more capable of understanding the process and comfortable being a little bit more independent. She was 21 months when we began a bed time routine.

With my second I ignore all suggestions of a routine. She is bathed every 2 days and washed on the days in between. She naps whenever she naturally falls to sleep and she stays with me until I go to bed. Bottle, Bath, Bed didn't work for us until my first was a toddler so I will continue to follow my babies lead just as I did with my first.

Everyone parents differently and every child is different. Not every child is needy and not every child suits going to bed alone. Follow your own mothers instinct despite clinical advice coming from a disconnected society. Go back to the basics, feel that primal instinct within you. Mothers having been raising little humans for thousands of years. We know what is best for our babies so trust yourself and try not to compare yourself to others.

Potty Training a Toddler before 2

 I've neglected my blog but I have so much to write about now Isla is 2 and I have a new baby who's 6 weeks old so I am reliving all of the hard baby stages again.

One thing that is fresh on my mind is the battle of potty training. I was absolutely dreading the day because I didn't understand how my baby (then 21 months) who only knew being in a nappy and weeing when she liked, would suddenly understand that she couldn't do that anymore. All without language and her fully understanding what words even meant. The idea was a massive headache and I would have put it off for longer if I hadn't been pregnant with baby no2. We were in lockdown so James was home and we were forced to be indoors everyday so I thought it was a rare and perfect opportunity to start the process.

My mum had always drilled it into me that we were potty trained before we were 2 years old, so I knew it was possible and normal in our family to train them before they fully understood words etc.

We had a good starting point, Isla started to use the word pop pop and pointed to her nappy. That and wee wee. So we started off by putting her on her potty every hour or as regularly as we could and said wee wee. She didn't understand for what felt like an eternity and she would wet herself throughout the day but we placed her on her potty after an accident and said wee wee on potty. Repetition is key. I read you shouldn't tell them off while they're learning as you don't want to scare them. Better to ignore the accident and place them on the potty and just explain they need to wee on a potty. However once Isla knew what to do and went on the potty consistently then out of the blue had an accident, we did start to tell her off because it was pure laziness and she just enjoyed being naughty sometimes, so a bit of discipline worked for us.

We had many many many accidents, some more gag worthy than others but luckily her dad was home to help with all that :) We were  2 or 3 in and she was still having accidents but also a lot of successful moments. I felt like giving up when I would hear how other children took a few days or a week to train. I thought maybe she wasn't ready and a lot of people will say no she wasn't  but honestly I don't think a child is ever ready. My mum encouraged me to keep to it so I did because I didn't want to feel like a failure and also have to start this all over again and have a newborn to worry about too.

It took her around 4 weeks to go accident free. We would have to put her on the potty throughout the day rather than wait for her to tell us. But from 23 months she would tell us when she needed to go and we helped her on to the potty. Now she is 25 months she goes without us having to help her or ask. She has started playschool where there are proper little toilets they use and has started to ask for the big girl toilet so now she goes on a proper toilet with a little toddler seat all by herself. I was worried about the potty to toilet transition but naturally they want to copy what everyone else does so that was something I didn't have to force upon her. I have heard that children can struggle with no2s and potty training but Isla didn't have an issue, it was all the same for her. In fact she struggled to go in a nappy so it helped her constipation problem massively. At the risk of making you gag, she used to do little ones and often in a nappy because I suppose she could feel it and stopped but on a potty she fully emptied her bowels. Once they are out of nappies you feel such a relief for them, it must feel so much better.

My biggest advice to anyone who wants to potty train at any age, 

-Repetition is key and do not compare how long its taking to other children! They all learn in their own time and Isla took longer than most to learn but she got there and she was out of nappies before her second birthday which I a really proud of. 

-Take a potty with you wherever you go! We used a normal one in a plastic bag, she's used it whenever and wherever and she's never had an accident while out. 

-Puppy pads are good for protecting their carseats and pushchairs from potential accidents

-Get ready to go through a lot of little knickers or pants. For the first 2 weeks Isla just wore dresses with no undies, then we introduced underwear which she soiled ALOT. Underwear and socks got changed constantly.

Night training is another kettle of fish which I am happy to leave until she is older or until she refuses to wear a nappy but I am hoping to crack this before she is 3, if anyone has any night training advice I will be happy to hear it!

Good luck to all the babies who are about to be potty trained, once they are out of nappies they will never look back :) x

FEEL FABULOUS POST PARTUM

Following on from my Youtube video (below), I am linking a few dresses and styles I love the idea of post baby.

I am due at the beginning of August which is almost parallel to my first pregnancy with Isla. With my first pregnancy I found my maternity dresses didn't suit breastfeeding, I was either too covered up or the only 2 dresses I had were constantly in the wash. I felt hideous, I had to borrow clothes off of others because I had no floaty dresses and it was a very hot summer.

I was Ina dark place and didn't care what I looked like, I didn't want to go out and I felt like I had paused while the world was carrying on around me.

This time I want to be prepared for feeling like that again, I want to help myself and a big part of that revolves around looking and feeling good despite having a post partum body.

I have started collecting floaty summer dresses and thought it may be of use to share my finds with you :)

I have included a mixture of maxi dresses and beach dresses. Beach dresses are the prettiest and floatiest of them all. I plan to find a slip dress to wear underneath which will probably be a body con fit but you won't see my body outline too much as the floaty beach dress will cover me up.

All of these dresses look like they're breastfeeding friendly.

As it's not even really spring yet, there will be so many more dresses released nearer to summer so happy shopping!

How I became vegetarian after 23 years of eating meat and why I am raising my daughter as a veggie.

Most meat eaters can not imagine giving up eating meat, what do you eat when meat is such a staple in every meal? This is the question I wondered too before I turned veggie. I didn't fancy eating pulses and vegetables every day, I didn't want to cook from scratch every day and I would miss my favourite meals like beef stew and lasagne. But meat was beginning to repulse me, I was starting to leave the meat part on my plate, I was gagging at the sight of a tube and crunching on residue bones in mince. I hated seeing veins in cooked chicken let alone handle slimey raw meat. It was really starting to click that these animals once lived, those veins once pumped blood around their body like ours do. How did they die? and how long had their rotting bodies been in the shop for and in our fridge? It was a disgusting thought and very sad. So I took the leap and turned vegetarian. I did stumble a few times when out, it took a year to transition completely but I didn't pressurise myself and I think that is the biggest tip for anyone who wants to try. Don't label it, just try it, eating less meat is a positive start.

The best thing about turning vegetarian is you can still enjoy those meaty meals you love but without cooking dead bodies. I use Quorn or own brand meat free alternatives which is often soy based, and honestly most people can not tell the difference once everything is cooked and seasoned. The best part about it all is that I am helping the awful meat industry slowly diminish. They supply in demand and if the demand is going down person by person, the supply is effected meaning less animals are being force fed, bred and killed for meat. Another massive benefit is health. SO many people are told by doctors to reduce their intake of meat, so may people say they feel sluggish after eating meat. It's so nice to not have that problem at all but still enjoy my faux meat meals as if I were still a meat eater.
Here are a list of my go to meals for some insight/ inspiration:

- Lasagne with quorn mince using my own cheese sauce and tomato sauce made from tomato passata, garlic, onion and vegtable stock cube


- Quorn/ Tesco vegetarian chicken nuggets, chips and beans (that cosy,lazy meal most of us love)
The nuggets taste exactly like chicken nuggets - I like that Isla (my daughter) won't miss out on that kind of thing.

-Spaghetti Bolognese with quorn mince

-Beef stew and dumplings with veg, pearl barley, tin tomatoes, bisto gravy for sauce thickening and salt, veg stock cubes and quorn strips which have the same texture as a soft bit of beef.

- Sausage sandwiches/ as part of a fry up/ sausages and mash - I use quorn and Linca Mcartney sausages which are both delicious and have a meaty texture

-Burgers - Linda mcartney Burgers are the best in my opinion, meat eaters have commented on how they were actually nicer than beef burgers.

- Shepard's Pie with quorn mince

And I've even cooked a caribbean dish using quorn mince and curry spices with rice, jonny cakes and sweetcorn.

Honestly, being a vegetarian is SO easy. Easier than being a meat eater. There's no raw meat to handle, no scare of anything being under cooked and everything is frozen. This is a big reason as to why I am raising Isla as a vegetarian as well as for the health benefits which are extraordinary.  Plus I now see meat as perverse, I would hate for her to be conditioned to think it was a normal thing to consume meat like we all have, she can choose to eat it in the future but I will start her off as an empathetic vegetarian who knows what meat is before she chooses that path.

Why don't you try subbing meat in a couple of meals a week ?:)

Robyn x

5 Things I couldn't Live without at Newborn Stage

Newborn days are an absolute blur.
I am so glad that we were over prepared and had all the equipment we needed without having to panic buy last minute because when I was struggling in the early days I had no inspiration to shop at all.
So here are a few things I found to be useful and would use again if I have another baby.

1. Chicco Next to me Crib and Chicco Light
These next to me beds are so perfect. I am a very anxious and paranoid person. I used to wake up randomly just to check if Isla was breathing ok (SIDS was constantly on my mind). With this crib I could see her as I lay there on my side, I didn't have to get up to check on her but she was also safe in her own space with no threat of me rolling on to her. As she got older and needier we started to co-sleep in my bed but while she was a fragile and an unaware newborn, I let her sleep in her own space as she didn't mind at all.
The light was also a big big plus because I relied on that soft night light to give me night vision when Isla insisted we get up every 3 hours. The light fixed on to the crib and was bright enough for me to see her and breastfeed her without fumbling in the dark but dim enough not to effect her Dad too much while he attempted to get some sleep.

2. Muslins
Wow I know they say you can never have enough muslins but we had about 20 and that still wasn't enough. I did have to buy more as Isla was a sicky baby (I blame greed), so we were getting through 5 a day. I also got some big bamboo muslins as a very light blanket while she slept. There were some nights were it stayed at 26+ degrees so a light muslin was all she needed. They are still handy now as they are so big so I continued to use them as summer blankets while she was in her pushchair.

3. Baby Massage
Baby massage really saved my mentality as a new mum and introduced me to my first mum friends who I hope to stay in contact with forever. I went to a free class (donation £2 a session), at my local childrens centre. Our teacher was so lovely, although too young to be my nan, she had that cosiness about her which I found really comforting. She provided tea and the most delicious cookies every time. In the early days, I was so mentally and physically drained, I had to force myself to leave the house and the only way I could do that is if I had a class to go to. Baby massage starts at 6weeks old so that was my very first class and a lovely soft introduction to the world of baby classes. Not only did it help me mentally, it helped Isla so so SO much. She was a very windy baby and before baby massage, the trapped air would have her crying relentlessly throughout the day and night. Once I was taught how to give her a proper colic/wind massage, the air came out like a deflating balloon. It also helps them go to the toilet which was also an issue with Isla. Baby massage helped me get rid of that horrible discomfort she was in and I am so grateful for being able to do that for her.

4. Baby Carrier
Before I had Isla, I used to go on daily dog walks with my mum and her dogs. Nature is my haven so it was an absolute must to work out a way where I could continue to join my mum on her dog walks which were usually off road and impossible for a buggy. My friend gave me her baby bjorn carrier which was an absolute blessing. Isla used to fall asleep in the carrier almost instantly and I could continue to walk like a normal person. I loved how she could remain close to me but still get some fresh air. As she got older I purchased the ERGO BABY 360 carrier which allowed me to turn her so she could face the front and see what was going on (around 6 months old).

5. Changing Table by Tutti Bambini
Having a C-Section made it harder for me to change her on the floor or even on my bed.
A changing table is at a perfect height where you don't have to bend down and strain your back to change them. Isla is 14 months and I still use the changing table. They can look like normal drawers once we are finished with the baby stage. But unlike normal drawers, they have a slight depth on top so the baby cant just roll off of the edge, although I would never ever let that even be an option.

I hope this has inspired your parent to be shopping list :)
Let me know if you have any questions! x

Society made me feel ashamed for Co-Sleeping with my baby

One thing that I wasn't prepared for about motherhood is feeling like I need to conform to how others think you should parent your own child. I just assumed I would naturally follow the general guidelines and be a 'normal' parent.

They say you should let your baby sleep in the same room as you for atleast 6 months and then you can try and move them to their own room. On the lead up to the 6 month mark,  I would look at my perfect little angel sleeping so soundly beside me and feel a deep sadness at the thought of her being all on her own in a cot that looked far too big and cold for her. I fought with the idea that she needs to learn to be on her own because isn't that the right thing to do?
Isn't that what everyone tells you to do?
But my natural instinct wouldn't let me rest when she was out of my sight.
The 6 month mark came and everyone asked me 'when is she going in her own room, are you trying it yet?' and I would squirm with embarrassment at my bad parenting and reply 'no not yet' - like I was somehow failing?

So she continued to sleep next to me and I continued to pamper to her every need through out the night. Blankets come off? No problem babykins I'll tuck you up again. Are you too hot? No problem I will swap your blanket for a thermal one. Are you panicking because you feel alone? Both me and your Daddy are right next to you. I loved how I could comfort her instantly. But with each passing month the comments continued. 'She really need her own space' Someone suggested. But with each passing month I was beginning to understand that actually there is no set way of you should do things. You should go with both your baby and your own natural instinct.
Were babies really left in a different nook of the cave back in the first days of human civilisation? Probably not! We are so quick to dismiss our natural and most basic instincts which is wrong for both mother and child.
Every baby is different and some babies genuinely do want their own space but Isla wasn't that baby. She panics when she feels alone, she opens her eyes to see if we are  next to her and then falls back to sleep, she wriggles in discomfort until you touch her. So now instead of feeling embarrassed that I haven't followed the usual regime, I'm proud that I did what was best for MY baby.

Yes that makes my life a bit more difficult. I do have to go to bed when she goes to bed and she only naps in her pushchair when you rock her in the day. But thats OK because it won't be forever. She will only be a baby for a short amount of time so in that time I want to reassure her and go with what SHE wants rather than try to fit her in the same box as what a baby should want and need.

I feel like people don't understand when I say I can't have a late night out. When I have to leave social situations a little earlier than everyone else I feel embarrassed and rude or like I'm making an excuse because aren't 1 year olds supposed to be in their own bed by now?
'Can't you get someone to look after her overnight?
'My parents look after my baby over night, why can't yours?'
Not that anyone says those things but I know they are thinking it, especially the ones without children.
I watched 'The Let Down' on netflix the other day that follows their 1 year olds and one mum said 'She isn't ready to stay anywhere over night yet' and it just resonated with me. She isn't ready.

Isla isn't ready for me to just leave her and nothing on this earth is more important than my baby. I would sacrifice everything for her. SO although I am cringing at the thought of my future social plans and having to leave abruptly early, I am aligning my priorities and putting people pleasing aside,  I feel that has to be done ALOT in motherhood.